Thursday, March 01 2012 2:01 am.

  Another sleepless night. I can’t rest anymore. I have no reason to be sad though, Do I? I have an amazing boyfriend, and such wonderful family members. My Mom will go to the end of the world for me to be healthy and happy and safe, and my Dad works constantly to make sure we have money. I really hope he likes his new job and everything goes well. It’s a lot of pressure to own and run your own business. On-top of that it’s thousands of miles from his home. Going from a job with the hours of 7am-5pm for 18 years of his life to trying to successfully raise a insurance company from the ground to the sky in Chicago, Illinois is a big shift. But our family remains really close. Which is something to be thankful for. 

  My grandpa died almost 6 months ago, but I still feel guilt in me for not getting to know him while he was here. He was the sweetest man, and I didn’t get the chance to really discover much about him until he was already gone. I look up to him so much now but I feel as if it’s too late to be saying that. I just hope he knows that I love him so much, and I think of him a lot. 

  My boyfriend is great, on many many levels. He says the sweetest things to me and about me, always makes an extraordinary effort to make me feel beautiful and loved, and makes sure to see me every weekend. But I feel like we’re going downhill. Today was our anniversary and neither of us even mentioned it to one another. May it be my fault for sleeping until 1pm and then going to the hospital for hours from some medical problems, but even at that, he didn’t make the effort to text me or call me to make sure I was okay. And when I texted him when I got home, he got off the topic of my health almost instantly and started talking about other things. I feel like he doesn’t really care as much about me anymore. He says he does, and I have no reason not to trust him, He’s amazing. But sometimes I just feel lost. Like I have a gut feeling somethings aren’t right in the relationship. And I’m pretty sure that’s not normal for relationships that are solid.

  I feel gross about my weight, too. I’ve been taking weight loss supplements every day for about a month now. It’s awfully unhealthy to do so and is probably a factor to why I ended up in the hospital today, But I just want to lose weight so badly and my mom refuses to let me go to any gym anywhere, and it seems to be helping. 

   I want someone to do something for me that makes me feel special. People tell me I’m special and important to them, but they never, ever prove it. People will tell me that I mean the world to them, and then leave me for months without a care in the world; in most cases they never come back. I’m so easily impressed, too. But I just keep being let down. I want someone to prove that I’m important, and that I’m worth something. 

I know that I will be worth something someday, but I just really wish someone else would show me that i’m worth something now. 

Everything about my life is only striving based on the idea of the future. I keep imagining i’m going to be prettier in about two years. I got braces because of the idea of perfect teeth. Im starting a healthy diet so my body can look better in a year or so. Im taking piano so maybe one day I can play well. I’m saving up for a camera in hopes of getting a great one someday and being a good photographer, I’m with my boyfriend in hopes to find happiness with him someday. I keep imagining i’m going to do great things someday. All this keeps me living. All this is the reason I’m not depressed in my room crying every minute of the day. 

but maybe I should stop living in the future and realize my present isn’t so perfect.